WELCOME TO PALLET TOWN!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Confessions
This holiday allowed for quite a bit of friends-time. I was pleasantly surprised when JiaJun, a secondary school friend of mine, invited me over to his chalet. That gave me quite a bit of time with my secondary friends and ex-platoon mates. I must say I was kinda sad even though I managed to go to my dream school, NJC because the rest of my lunch-at-IMM clique went to ACJC. So I treasure whatever little time we can get together and catch up on old times and bitch about people.
Despite the inhumane amount of garbage that comes forth my mouth, I am in fact, a selfish person. I am your classic movies villain who will not give a damn about friends if my ass is on the line. Somehow, I have an utter contempt of the sacredness of friendships. I do not know when, but some time in my life, I became disillusioned with the idea that friends are important.
Sometimes, I feel like I have split personalities, one evil and one good. The evil part of me preaches the above-mentioned perception of friends while the good part of me longs for closeness to many human beings. Many times when my ass is up in a bunch, I can feel the 2 voices competing for supremacy. Unfortunately, the evil part of me often wins. Maybe my arrogance has given birth to my belief that friends are but a luxury. I like to think that I am great. Am I really?
Perhaps, it is the multitude of failures of human relationships but I have really lost faith in innocent human relations. Sometimes, I wish that everyone would just fuck off. Yet sometimes, I want them to talk to me. I am one damn guy who really cannot make up his mind.
Most of the time when I am seen merrying with my friends, I can sense an uneasy void in me. It feels like I am a robot programmed to interact and fulfill my social expectations. But behind the facade, does the robot really want to do this, does it NEED to do this? I think I am really a devil bound by the thick and heavy chains of social expectations. I can never truly be free and maybe that's a good thing.
Then again, there are really some people whose company I enjoy and cherish. Let's not use the label 'friends' but I think that my life is happier when I am around with them. Maybe that is a hint of a shred of companionship desire?
10:56 PM;